I’m always afraid of admitting my jealousies. I never want to be “that girl.”
Come on, you what I am talking about too.
The girl that comes across so judgy because really she’s just insecure, right? At least that’s what I was told.
We all have our triggers.
Cue the Clawing & Hissing Noises
If it’s confessional time, mine are the Barbies. The model types who appear airbrushed even in person. The ones too caught up in their own anxiety to let me see them sweat or be raw about their feelings on anything other than the current trending pop culture BS.
While they may make me hella-judgy, I don’t tend to get overly jealous though…it’s more of a, “I hate the attention you get and I’m afraid my lover(s) may actually be into that” kinda feeling. I turn green out of nausea, not envy.
What used to really twists my core and brings out my inner Elphaba is other kick-ass heart warriors doing their thing, and not just doing it well, but really knocking it out of the ballpark.
It’s not that I didn’t celebrate them, because I did. Oh how I did! And still do!
I am so grateful that other heart-centered entrepreneurs exist. I believe the world needs even more of them in fact.
But they could sometimes make me feel like I’d been punched in the gut at the same time. They’re the ones I end up comparing myself to if I’m not careful.
So I think it’s vital that we first dispense with the cocktail conversation. If I can’t be real as a human being, then I certainly can’t help anyone else be real as a counselor or coach.
I learned something this week about myself and the noxious toxicity of turning GREEN:
We are most envious when we are ignoring/ avoiding/ delaying/ not pushing hard enough on that which WE ARE MEANT TO DO.
“When I was drinking all the time, if someone handed me a book written by a woman and they said they loved it, I wouldn’t read it. Because it was like looking straight at the sun. There was a part of me that knew a braver, better version of me could do THAT. Like, I was MEANT TO DO THAT. And I wasn’t doing it. And there’s nothing more painful than seeing someone doing something that you feel you were meant to do…so maybe we’re only envious of people who are doing what we’re meant to do…and even worse, not taking any steps towards doing it yourself.” — Glennon Doyle Melton on “Becoming a Love Warrior” with Lewis Howes
So it’s not really about insecurity at all. It’s about a deep inner knowing that we are meant for more. That this isn’t all there is for us.
So what if envy, like every other flavor of emotional kool-aid, is meant to be an indicator light; like a flashing “check engine” warning (that most of see pop on and then ignore until sh$% really hits the fan)?
What if, instead of trying to push envy away “because we are so not THAT girl who gets jealous” we use it to do a quick internal inventory.
- What does he/she have that I don’t? (likely nothing except willingness)
- Is that something I would even want to do? (their soul’s purpose may not be yours)
- Am I meant to do something similar?
- Have I just been making excuses because it allows me to stay in my comfort zone?
- What the f$% am I waiting for? scared of?
- Which is worse? Staying here and feeling jealous or never taking the chance?
No More Cat Fights
So instead of turning those talons on each other, or worse yet on ourselves, I say it’s high time we dig them into the earth and claw our way through the sh$% holding us back…
…claw through the inner demons attempting to scare us off our path because really they just want to protect us from feeling hurt or disappointed again…
…claw past the nay-sayers and tongue-cluckers and eye-rollers…
…claw through the pain until the dawn breaks on the horizon and we truly are FREE.
Anyone else feel like defying gravity today? 😉
Meet the Author:
More recently, she founded Tales from a Trapezoid dedicated to the more raw and edgier side of life, working with those who may often feel like a trapezoid in a world full of circles.
As a licensed therapist, Tamara specializes in the non-traditional both in identity exploration and relationship issues. With a background both in conventional psychology as well as energy work and so much more, she integrates multiple healing modalities to best suit her clients.
When not working with clients, she is busy trying to keep up with her daughters, now 13 and 11, who are giving her a run for her money, not that she ever expected anything less!.
If you’re interested in working with her, you can learn more about her services here.
©Tales From a Trapezoid, 2016. All rights reserved.