You can tell a LOT about a person by who they call when life throws him/ her a curve-ball.
In fact, if you are dating, I HIGHLY recommend making this a question you ask any potential partner before getting serious.
Because if those on our speed dial are not people of integrity, knowledge, understanding, and positive/ solution focus, they simply cannot help us meet our goals!
Furthermore, there are just some topics family and friends are not good space holders for because they cannot help but be biased (and as they should be!).
Consider this – if your relationship is struggling, your relatives and besties are naturally likely to feel defensive for you. And if you vent to them, you run the risk of altering (perhaps permanently) their perspective on your partner.
Not only that, but they’re not with you when things smooth themselves out and y’all reconcile. They’re not in your body enjoying the happy love chemicals that you’re getting when your partner apologizes and some hot make up sex ensues.
You telling them about it afterwards isn’t sufficient. The brain makes things difficult here for them by storing away the negative information you’ve already leaked.
So do yourself a favor and call a counselor/ coach/ mentor/ priest…anyone who is able to maintain more objectivity and who you won’t be hurt by if they cannot give their blessing to your relationship on a day to day basis. Capisci?
Not Protective Enough
Sometimes things can go awry with close loved ones in other ways too – where they accidentally, and with the best of intentions, push us to stay in harmful situations.
I saw this play out in my first marriage which was incredibly toxic; filled with verbal and emotional narcissistic abuse. I remember calling my parents shortly after arriving at our first duty station, literally in tears, feeling fearful and hopeless. I begged them to pay for a plane ticket to fly home. Their response was, “Call your pastor. You need to work things out with your husband.”
So I did. I endured way worse over the next 7 years as a result. Lesson learned eventually.
But not before other well-meaning church goers told me that my husband’s infidelity was the result of a demon of lust and I should pray it away; anointing nearly every surface of my house in oil, and becoming scared to look him in the eye because I might see a demon looking back at me. O_0
After the divorce, when I was left with nothing but my daughters and very limited belongings, I was given even more shitty advice in the form of – “do whatever you have to in order to put food on the table (even if that meant waiting tables for the rest of my life)”…
This time however, my soul said HELL NO!
I put myself through grad school with the help of tuition loans and the generosity of my baby sister and her husband who opened their home to me and my daughters for nearly 3 years.
Drastic example, I know. But the principles at play ring true regardless of your situation.
Who’s Watching Your Bottom Line?
What happens when setbacks show up in your business?
When the phone doesn’t ring or worse yet, when you feel betrayed or uncertain of yourself?
Who do you call??
When I was first launching my practice, I was literally SURROUNDED BY NAY-SAYERS. Again, I am quite sure they all meant well, but they were like a bunch of Debbie Downers on steroids!
I was only able to find ONE other therapist in my local area who told me I could go straight into private practice from grad school if I wanted to, and furthermore, I’d be crazy if I didn’t.
Thank God I listened to her and my intuition. And I was profitable my first year when 98% of other new businesses aren’t.
I have also had supervisors and other supposed “experts” in the field act like wet blankets to my dreams rather than problem solvers and cheerleaders. Some projects ended up taking way longer than they should’ve because I got caught up in other people’s fear based energy.
Hear me please – if every networking group you are a part of ends up sounding like a bunch of cackling hens fearful about the sky falling, GET OUT. And run, don’t walk!
Moral of the Story
The people on your ICE (In Case of Emergency) list MUST be those you can trust implicitly.
Who you know beyond the shadow of a doubt will have you feeling empowered when you hang up.
Who can kick your ass in gear but in a way that has you excited to be doing the work!
Aunt Carol and your friend Jessica get to do what they do best…whatever that is besides being your confidant for the more sensitive areas. 😉
- Ask yourself, “Who’s on my ICE lists? Should they be??” Maybe some housekeeping is in order here.
- Tell the universe you’re ready for new confidants/ mentors/ gurus/ cheerleaders.
- Ask your partner who they would call/ do call whenever y’all fight and why? Discuss how you feel about their answer and be ready to share yours.
As always, I am honored when you like and share this or any of my content that resonates with you with someone you think could benefit.
And if you yourself could use a little extra support in being the BAD ASS REBEL WARRIOR or WARRIOR GODDESS I know you are, I invite you to check out my bio and services to see if you think we might be a good fit for one another. We can set up a short web chat and explore further.
Amy Porterfield’s interview with Patrick Bet-David – Patrick addresses this very issue towards the end of the interview. His entire back story is nothing short of inspiring! I LOVE his attitude towards re-framing every potential obstacle as something that can be used for success. He’s a millionaire because he took the chance of trying to get jobs he was no where near qualified for on the surface by telling his favorite joke! No seriously! Listen to his story!
Meet the Author:
More recently, she founded Tales from a Trapezoid dedicated to the more raw and edgier side of life, working with those who may often feel like a trapezoid in a world full of circles.
As a licensed therapist, Tamara specializes in the non-traditional both in identity exploration and relationship issues. With a background both in conventional psychology as well as energy work and so much more, she integrates multiple healing modalities to best suit her clients.
When not working with clients, she is busy trying to keep up with her daughters, now 13 and 11, who are giving her a run for her money, not that she ever expected anything less!.
If you’re interested in working with her, you can learn more about her services here.
©Tales From a Trapezoid, 2016. All rights reserved.